I thought I would have more time to get my head around this, I thought I would have more time to spend getting mentally prepared and I thought I would have more time with Amelia before everything changes.
Things are moving, quickly! Our hospital have brought our delivery date forward and all of a sudden we’re having a baby so very soon. I’m freaking out about it if I’m honest; I know I could have gone into labour naturally at any point and wouldn’t have time to think or plan but there wasn’t really any sign of that happening and now all of a sudden those last few days I had to prepare are gone.
Everything is ready at home, the bags are packed and we’re as ready as possible so that’s all ok but in my head I had more time. I had this lovely idea of us spending one last day together with Amelia, just the three of us before it all changes. I wanted us to go somewhere with her and make it special; we might be able to squeeze something in but I feel really upset that this time has been taken away.
I’m also scared about the realities of another section; it’s a weird feeling, I sort of feel like I shouldn’t be nervous or scared because I chose this route. I opted to put myself through this so I don’t get to be freaking out about it but I am. I’m suddenly very nervous about the procedure and have realised that there’s quite a lot from the last time that I either don’t remember or was so out of it that it was all just a blur, whereas this time I will be so aware of what’s happening and I’m the most squeamish person ever so now I’m getting freaked out about the medical aspect of it.
The recovery is playing on my mind too; I only have my previous experience to go on and I’m hopeful that it will be much better (everyone tells me it will be) but the thought of not being able to walk properly, not be able to pick Amelia up and cuddle her, not be able to walk up the stairs to the bathroom, get dressed by myself, to not be able to bath or change Amelia or lift her up onto the sofa for a snuggle. It’s mind-blowing that all of the things I do with her on a daily basis I won’t be able to do anymore for a while and I don’t know how I’m going to explain that to her.
I’m worried about how she will react to her new sister; at the moment she’s aware that there is a baby in my tummy and that she will have a sister. She knows that things around the house are for her sister but I don’t think she understands that having a sister means that an actual baby is going to be in the house. It’s just an abstract idea at the moment, the reality of it could be quite challenging for her and I hate the thought of her being upset or distressed by all the changes that will be happening around her. I know all siblings go through it and she will be fine in the end but it’s so hard to look at her and know that everything is about to change and she doesn’t fully understand yet.
I hope she will be gentle and loving towards her sister, I hope she will want to cuddle her and sit together with us on the sofa. I hope she won’t be angry or upset or feel like I’m not spending enough attention on her and I hope she will be ok for my parents when they look after her whilst we’re at the hospital.
I think ultimately I’m in shock that it’s all happening so much quicker than I had planned; I’ve lost days worth of mental preparation and it’s suddenly all go go go but I’m trying to set my worries aside and find excitement that our baby will be with us soon, so soon. I will get to cuddle her, and feed her and bond with her. Her daddy will get to hold her and start to build his relationship with her, Amelia will get to find out what all the fuss is about and what it really means to have a sister.
As soon as she is here safely and has been introduced to family I will share her arrival with you and until then please send positive vibes my way; I need to stop these emotional tears from falling every time I think about what’s coming and I need to believe it’s all going to be a lovely positive experience.
Rachel xx
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